~My Isaac~

It was actually a very close fight between taking up Medicine or embracing the religious life. And while I can smile about it now, those were really dark moments of despair and indecision for me.

Long story.

It was an issue of obedience to the will of the Father. At the bottom of it all was a genuine desire to give my all to Jesus with nothing holding me back.

Gnawing at the back of my mind and my heart was anguish at being unwilling to give up something I valued so much. Medicine was my Isaac. And I was in tears because I didn’t want to give him up in spite of the “signs” (or what I thought were signs).

I could still vividly remember being alone in the chapel at the middle of the night, curled up in front of the cross and crying my heart out. I just had a talk with one of the Sisters and talking with her brought out anew my love for the Lord. At that point, I loved Him so much that it hurts. But at the same time, just the thought of embracing their kind of life felt like such a dead end.

Instead of the freedom that their way of life brings, I could only feel walls closing up on me.

I woke up the next day wondering why I felt so gloomy. And then the events of last night came back to mind and I was washed afresh with misery. I honestly felt like a prisoner facing a life-sentence.

In one moment of despair, on my knees in front of the cross, I earnestly asked the Lord. “Is it medicine or the religious life?”

I cut my Bible and the pages opened to Sirach 38.

“Hold the physician in honor, for he is essential to you, and God it was who established his profession. From God, the doctor has his wisdom, and the king provides for his sustenance. His knowledge makes the doctor distinguished, and gives him access to those in authority… He endows men with knowledge to glory in his mighty works, through which the doctor eases pain and the druggist prepares his medicines; Thus the creative work continues without cease in its efficacy on the surface of the earth.”

The issue didn’t end there however. There was still much soul searching and conversations with people so much wiser than am I.

I placed my future at His feet and decided to let go of my Isaac. I held on instead to the truth that my God knew what was best for me. But it wasn’t a one-time thing however… letting go of Isaac, I mean. It was about three years of tug-of-war.

But in the end, with His leading, the pieces started falling into place…

My parents were incredibly supportive. (They knew I wanted to become a doctor since I was a kid so they were more or less prepared for it.) I did so badly during the NMAT (National Medical Admission Test) that I considered it a sign if I didn’t score above 50. I got 88 and I just knew it was pure grace. I graduated cum laude and was thus instantly entitled to a 50% discount at my school of choice. We’re not rich but I noticed there’s always money available for my tuition fee, books, uniform, board and lodging, allowance and even two new pairs of jeans.

My life is blessed beyond belief and now I’m pretty sure that I’m doing the will of my Father. It all doesn’t end with an MD at the end of my name, however.

At this point, I am still open for wherever the Father leads me… even if it should, in the end, be a religious calling. It is simply not possible to give myself fully to the Lord when I am keeping something back for myself.

It is only through sacrifice that my Isaac would be restored to me.