Nothing New

First year is not the most exciting phase of a medical student's life. It's the time of boring drudgery as can be seen from the fact that I've exhausted the topic on failing exams and getting frustrated about it and trying to be better one more time only to commit the same mistake the next time around.

But then, in just a few months time, I'll actually find myself in second year. And that has got to be more exciting than first year. There'll be more quizzes to fail, for one. And I'll get the chance to actually touch real live patients!

But before I get there, I have to get through tomorrow's module quiz, which I'm bound to either fail or barely pass.

The only thing remotely exciting in my monotonous existence is the fact that our research is under the watchful eye of the big wigs. We might actually get some amazing results which could revolutionize the world! (Hmmm... who am I kidding?)

So back to studying. I was actually just procrastinating.

.xoxo.

10 Months Later...

Ten months after the first day of med school... and I feel as if there's nothing much to show for it. And I'm in the Top 5 in our batch in the last Block so I hate to think how the others are faring.

Seriously... I'm not bragging or anything. It's just that I know good grades doesn't make you a good doctor. The only reason I'm hanging in the Top 5 seems to be because of my amazing psychic skills when it comes to answering multiple choice questions. That's where they get the bulk of our grades.

But when you're in the hospital, you don't get multiple choice questions. And the thing is, there are few things more dangerous than an ignorant doctor.

So I have every reason to be moderately anxious when upon self-evaluation, I realized how little I know. And I'm not even exaggerating. I wish I were. It feels a bit overwhelming... the huge amount of information I don't know and am supposed to know, I mean.

So this Christmas break, I will seriously try to read more... read in advance even. And by summer break, I plan to go over everything. It's quite a task, even without my tendency towards procrastination.

But if I get through this, I will thank myself later.

Hmmm

There's a serious glitch in my blog settings. My "View Blog" button gives me a view of what my blog was before I made some changes and started paying attention to it.

It's annoying. I'm wondering if disuse had something to do with it. It's like it's permanently frozen to whatever state I had left it in.

I don't want to have to start all over again. It's a hassle. I have too many blogs as it is.

Tidbits

One of my New Year resolutions would be to start seriously blogging. Not that I have readers. I write mostly for myself. It's therapeutic. Plus, it's an outlet for my overly-active, overly-wild, creative mind. Hey, if I didn't feel the calling of medicine too strongly, I'd be a novelist by now. (I wish.)

So I have a lot of catching up to do. A lot of things have happened since I created this blog eons ago. (How did time fly so fast?) I don't think I'd be able to write them all down. But here are a couple of tidbits. Some I'll leave like that. Others I'll elaborate later on.

1. It's Christmas Break. I hope some people are going to relax and enjoy it. Because I don't plan on doing so. (I hope I don't sound diabolical... *evil grin*)

2. Currently at Block 5, Module 2, the Respiratory System.

3. Block 4 was a bad dream.

4. The last module was a nightmare. I failed all three module quizzes. All in a row. (Ughh!) I have issues with mediocrity right now.

5. I fell two notches down in the Top 10 list in our batch. I am not happy about it. Currently at Spot Number 5. Mediocrity sucks.

6. At times, I wonder if I'm at the right school. But considering the fact that I wouldn't have met my new sort-of bestfriend and gotten extra close to a former close friend now sort-of-bestfriend, I'm glad I did. Somehow, I'll have to make up for all the handicaps I'm currently encountering.

7. Sleep is my own worst enemy.

8. I wonder if it's part of the curriculum to place medical students in really embarassing situations. Maybe it's a sort of test... You know... Along the veins of "What doesn't kill you make you stronger?"...

9. In lieu to #9, I am forever grateful to all those people who gamely allowed themselves to go through the fire of humiliation along with me. That took a lot of guts, believe me.

10. *sigh* You'd think, in a new environment, my lovelife would improve. Not a chance. It must be something genetic... like inheriting no pheromones at all. And being surrounded with a lot of good-looking to stunningly handsome medical students doesn't help at all. Oh, well. I'm moderately beautiful and intelligent. I can't have it all, right. *grin* I have to elaborate more on this later.

So that's all for now.

.xoxo.

*anonymous*

It's ironic how most of the time, one can only truly be oneself when hidden behind the mask of anonymity. And it's ironic how most of the time, I'd rather reveal my innermost thoughts to complete strangers rather than my dearest friends.

But isn't that how it is? At times, it's best to protect the ones we love from who we really are... what we really think...

I've been feeling rather restricted about the things I really wanted to write about in my other blog. (Note: I keep a lot of moderately functional and non-functional blogs.)

Of course, there are things I'd love to share with my friends... my recent medschool escapades, my latest blooper, bits and pieces of wisdom gathered here and there, etc etc. But there are things I'd rather not let them know and managing who gets to read what can be quite a hassle.

So this is what this blog is for. It's for the things I need to get out of my system but would rather not let my friends know.

In a way, it seems sad that I can only show my true self to strangers who offer no judgment... no condemnation... and who'd forget about me the next minute (that is, granting that somebody actually stumbles into this blog...) rather than the ones who truly care.

But then, that's the way it is... At least for now...

*fallible*

Fact of life: Everyone makes mistakes.

Everyone.

Everyday.

And the sooner we accept this fundamental principle of human nature, the easier it is for us to wake up in the morning and face life head-on.

However, while “to err is human”, not everyone can afford to make mistakes. And when it’s human lives you hold in your hands, you cannot dare to indulge in the luxury of second chances simply because there isn’t another one.
I missed 26 items out of 120 in my last written exam.

Carelessness accounted for some of them. Ignorance was the culprit for most.

I cannot afford to be careless! And all the more can I not afford to be ignorant!

Twenty six items may not seem like a lot. Yes, I sound like the perfect example of the classic perfectionist. Instead of being grateful for even passing such a tough exam, here I am whining. Yes, I’m seeing a half-empty glass instead of one which is half-full.

But when you’re neck-to-neck in the competition for the top spots, the slightest mistake could be your downfall. (And those twenty-six mistakes will most definitely pull me down.)

And when your job description demands perfection, every mistake counts.

Every.


If I could react this way to twenty six items in a written exam, how would I react when a mistake would not cost me a few points but a life?

Somebody’s husband… somebody’s wife… somebody’s child… somebody’s mother… or father or brother or sister or friend…

I wonder if I would ever be strong enough to carry such a heavy burden. I wonder if I could even get up in the morning with such guilt weighing heavily in my spirit.

For someday… sooner or later… there will be blood in my hands. This is a fact of life that I… and everybody who wishes to take this path… have got to face.
Frustration at my fallibility. This will perhaps be one of the most recurring themes of my life.

And that’s why I need a God. For I can never be anything but fallible. And He can never be anything but Infallible.

*when i grow up*

Remember preschool? Those were the times when we were miniature versions of ourselves. We were a whole lot cuter then, too.

“And what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Does this sound familiar?

Innocence made us believe we could conquer the world. We could be anyone we wanted to be. Teacher… lawyer… nurse… businessman… scientist… priest… seaman… astronaut…

There was no stopping our young minds. There was no limit to what we could be… when we grow up.

Young as I was, I already knew what I wanted to be. To everyone who asked this all-important question, I had only one answer.

“When I grow up, I want to be a doctor.”


Fast forward. Technically, I have now grown up.

I’ve had four graduations since then (preschool, grade school, high school, college). And I look back with fondness at that little girl who refused to be anything else but a doctor.

And I wonder… What in the world made me want to become a doctor?

Did environmental factors come into play? My mother, a nurse, often took me along with her to the hospital. I practically spent my pre-preschool days playing with tongue depressors, stethoscopes and discarded medicine boxes. But then again, I could just as easily have wanted to become a nurse. The fact is, I didn’t. It never entered my young head.

Is it genetic? There isn’t a single doctor in my direct lineage. Mine was a family of farmers and fishermen. I did have second and third degree relatives who ventured into the field, though.

I have no answer.


I’m well into my fourth month of medicine.

And I’m loving every single minute of it.

Yes, even the sleepless nights and the sleep-inducing lectures and the killing of innocent frogs. And while like perhaps every single medical student, I literally sleep on my books, there’s no satiety to my craving for knowledge. I am fascinated by the workings of the human body. I stand in awe at the majesty and beauty of it all.

I’m living my dream. Not everyone is given the chance. It’s both humbling and uplifting.

I’m a long, long, long way off from becoming a doctor. And the truth is, it will perhaps be an even longer time before I’m all grown up in every sense of the word.

But God has woven this dream into the very fabric of my soul. And that little girl who was dead set into becoming a doctor is just as stubborn now as she was then. There’s simply no stopping her